Confused

I’m confused. I don’t know what to do.

When I was little I used to adore my parents and everything about them and I’m pretty sure that’s normal. It’s also normal that when you older, you stop seeing the world with an instagram filter. The problem is, as I am 18 years old, I lost my pink glasses a while ago and started seeing my parents as normal human beings. They were not perfect, but they were mine. And I loved them. And oh my gosh I still do.

I can’t stop loving the people who raised me just like that. But when I think about it, the love is just a something deep inside my heart that shows when I’m not thinking about them. It’s this little elf that’s sitting on my shoulder when I’m going on with my life reminding me that I love them. Whenever I start thinking, though, I find billions of reasons why specifically my mom is a terrible person and I’m strating to realise that if she wasn’t my mom I would hate her. And I’m trying to fight this feeling but the truth is, I have never met any adult person who would behave like she does. Imagine a little child, about 6 or 7 years old, too young not to know that the whole world doesn’t revolve around him, yet old enough to get the concept of property and wanting more. That’s what she’s like. I would like to think it is, but I doubt that’s some teenage angst talking for me, because I don’t feel that way about any other member of my family and I actually never feel hatred towards anyone, it just seems like too intense of a feeling. But there are times when I feel exactly that towards my mom.

And I want not to feel that way about her so hard. I hate that I am even able to write these lines about her, yet I am not able to write the reason I feel that way. I am afraid that if I actually wrote everything down that would be a point from which I just couldn’t feel even just the unconscious love.

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I’m rotting and I’m moldering

This post should definitely have a (S)PG rating. Sane person guidance reccomend.

I’m wasting my life. Who doesn’t thing this once in a while is probably a cyborg. Or a Kardashian, whatever. The credit for this probably belongs to a) our laziness and b) these stupid sunset photos with quotes that are impossible to avoid on social media. If nobody else, your aunt who drinks way too much white wine is gonna share them on her facebook wall.

The thing is I’m a coward and wow I’ve never actually admitted this to myself but I am one. Constantly scared and anxious about stupid things. It’s keeping me on the ground but I always kind of wanted to learn to fly. Too bad I’m afraid of heights. They always tell you, don’t let anyone bring you down and not don’t bring yourself down, which is so wrong. Because it’s almost always me who refuses to give myself a try. Which sounds weird but I’m writing without thinking whatever comes to my mind and I’m not gonna proofread because I just don’t feel like it. And this last sentence is probably me unlocking the rear entrance for when I read this in a year or so and will regret my whole existence.

Afraid to  trust,

like everyone must

just

feel disgust

when they meet me.

Afraid to wear

the things I want to wear

and like

the things I like,

I am afraid to be me.

You see?

I am a coward, not a liar.

But that’s just because I’m afraid my lies might backfire.

I’m proofreading it now

and wow,

just, how?

It doesn’t make any sense

hence

I’m going to wrap it up.

Maybe rhyming is just not my cup

of tea, I admit,

but still, I won’t just quit.

By the way,

as I say,

I really change the topic quite a lot.

I boycott

my own efforts to write.

My brain definitely knows hot to put up a fight.

Passion

Passion (n.)

1. a very powerful feeling, for example of sexual attraction, love, hate, anger, or other emotion. 2. an extreme interest in or wish for doing something, such as a hobby, activity.

The events of this day got me thinking. They got me thinking about many things which could be probably summed up in one word – passion.

As an 18 years old girl, according to society, there are things I should be passionate about and things I should not be passionate about. When I become passionate abour things from the second group, people start saying I’m ‘wasting my time’ and somehow completely ignore the fact that I enjoy it and find it relaxing, therefore it’s not by any means a waste of time for me. For quite some part of this day I was trying to come up with an rule to sort hobbies into these two categories and I think I finally got it. The rule is: whatever you could potentially make living from is a ‘good’ and ‘acceptable’ hobby. If you think within traditional careers this rule pretty much applies to anything. For example, playing a violin? Yes. Gaming? Not so much.

Our hobbies and passion has became yet another thing that is all about success, nowadays, even though it’s mostly only potentional success. But let’s be realistic, once a hobby becomes a career and therefore a duty, it loses at least part of it’s appeal, no matter how joyful it was before.

Why should we let this rule dictate parts of our lives when in case of success we only loose part of ourselves?

Why let people tell us that we like the wrong things a little too much?

“It’s okay to love something a little too much,as long as it’s real to you.” – Gerard Way

Hello

First of all, I would like to welcome you on my blog. I hope you enjoy your stay. If you wanna know anything about me, just visit my about page and if you want to talk to me (and I would love that so don’t be shy!) there is a contact page  impatiently waiting for you.

Second of all, you may want to know what place did the internet take you this time. Well, that would be a blog dedicated to lifestyle, the people of this world and specifically the girl of this bedroom.

Third of all (and I feel like I should switch to different way of beggining a paragraph), I’ve got a suggestion for you. How about you get yourself a tea or some different beverage, change into some comfy clothes (PJs would be my clothes of choice) and find a comfy and calm place? Got there? Great! Now, get rid of any stress or anxiety and read some sentences I typed. It’s not crucial to fulfill all points above but that’s just how you can get the most out of this blog. It’s a dish best served calm.