I’m confused. I don’t know what to do.

When I was little I used to adore my parents and everything about them and I’m pretty sure that’s normal. It’s also normal that when you older, you stop seeing the world with an instagram filter. The problem is, as I am 18 years old, I lost my pink glasses a while ago and started seeing my parents as normal human beings. They were not perfect, but they were mine. And I loved them. And oh my gosh I still do.

I can’t stop loving the people who raised me just like that. But when I think about it, the love is just a something deep inside my heart that shows when I’m not thinking about them. It’s this little elf that’s sitting on my shoulder when I’m going on with my life reminding me that I love them. Whenever I start thinking, though, I find billions of reasons why specifically my mom is a terrible person and I’m strating to realise that if she wasn’t my mom I would hate her. And I’m trying to fight this feeling but the truth is, I have never met any adult person who would behave like she does. Imagine a little child, about 6 or 7 years old, too young not to know that the whole world doesn’t revolve around him, yet old enough to get the concept of property and wanting more. That’s what she’s like. I would like to think it is, but I doubt that’s some teenage angst talking for me, because I don’t feel that way about any other member of my family and I actually never feel hatred towards anyone, it just seems like too intense of a feeling. But there are times when I feel exactly that towards my mom.

And I want not to feel that way about her so hard. I hate that I am even able to write these lines about her, yet I am not able to write the reason I feel that way. I am afraid that if I actually wrote everything down that would be a point from which I just couldn’t feel even just the¬†unconscious love.


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